song: do you want my love? coco lee

mood: somebody save me

"Can you handle my desires Can you tell me what I'm thinking baby Can you read my mind Baby will you go the extra mile Will you vow to hold me tight 'Til we're right
Turn me on and on and on and on... "




i was reading "by the river piedra i sat down and wept"... paolo cuelho is so COOL...


question: when does love hurt?

answer: when yo begin to ask.


love is a trap. you only see the light in it, not the other phase.


i realized that the "Other" still exist in me.... i decided to shun her alon time ago, back to her pit of darkness....



history 101:

"Other" and the "Believer"

she existed when i have loved for the first time. when i have loved a guy from SBC. we we're almost near there but, i really can't take it. loosing him was hell.... HELL. i cried yes. i ate ALOT. and he was the ultimate source of my depression. so i became FAT. i decided loving one guy is enough. guys are stupid and they make girls cry. i CUT my hair SHORT. that was my sign that I WILL NEVER LOVE ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE.

okay, that was a short retalliation neh? so there.... my heart was asleep for 3 years when another guy came. a guy that came one fine summer morning, held my hand and embraced the "I" in me. me, being fat. me hating guys. me who stopped believing. the moment that i have learned to love him, she began to exist again. texting him 24/7.... i felt that i was possesive in him...i felt that he forgot about me....until months have past, my heart begn to sank once more....... he did forget....hurt, scarred, pained for the second time.. i really can't stand the the feeling of him gone.... again.... "Other" existed and told me the rule of being a strong...

1. i am a woman. i am equal to man.
2. no man shall have the right to hurt me, for i am strong.
3. he hurts me but i will show no weakness.
4. i will never bow down to him, he will bow down to me. let him show his love and shun him away.
5. no guy can handle my desires.
6. i am a strong girl, i deserve better.... better that what guys want.

so much for being a authoritarian..... she was with me...... for 2 years the "believer" didn't give up. she was still competent with the "other". she believed that he will come back after all those years and when that time comes, i am sure that i will give the real "me". i decided to NEVER CUT MY HAIR for when my hair is short, that is the time i have forgotten about him..... i kept my weight in tuck and put myself on the serious mode....--keeping myself bussy and forgetting about him.

not until another guy came in my life. one summer morning of nothingness became such extraordinary joy. i felt that "he" was in "him". then "other" told me..... "why are you having fun with him? don't tell me you are falling for him..." then "believer" tells me "he reminds me so much of...... what i have lost......... i feel happy....." my connections with him seems patent...... i'm happy...... my feelings for him faded, as each day i saw him i began to understand that i like him because he was like a dear friend of mine, and a brother to me.... someone who would understand and somone who will be there for me despite the problems that we have... not someone who i should love......

"other" slepy inside of me, "beliver" is on the zenith of my soul..... being my control and my refuge......now i understand everything....

enough about being melancholic, i need to focus more on.......being a frog for the 2nd time around.

so, back to being the princess.... yes. i am... and a week frm now, i'm gonna be A FROG!!! why??? okay, imagine me... having ALOT of pieces of METAL IN MT TEETH!!??? oh come on!! that will be torture!!! when i become a frog, will somebody kiss me??? this is just tragic......